“Demonstrate love by giving it unconditionally to yourself, and as you do, you will attract others into your life who will love you without condition.” –Paul Ferrini
As part of my own continued self-reflection I have decided to keep a tally of different times in my life where I feel alive, free, excited, and motivated as well as the times I feel that I am lacking in energy, disconnected, stifled, or indifferent. The hope here is that I will be able to identify various behavioral patterns (both positive and negative) and create some-what of a formula to help minimize the duration of negative head space and free up room for positive attributes in my life. This idea came to mind during my own deep self-reflection upon embarking on the New Year. I find, especially during the winter months, that I slowly become less and less affiliated with my life and the things that spark my inner fire. I know this will happen as it does every year, however I still find myself surprised each year when I am powerless to the depressive pull of disengagement.
An additional theme that frequently arose in my self-reflection was love. This past year I experienced a great romantic love; unfortunately this love was followed by a devastating heartbreak. I found myself lost and very confused. I (thankfully) was able to turn inward and use this loss as motivation towards my goals. I guess I thought to myself “if I stay busy enough, I won’t feel the sting of heartbreak or have to face the steps of moving forward.” As you can imagine my sadness lingered despite my best efforts to avoid it. I felt helpless to these negative feelings, crying often at the mere thought of life after my great love. My emotions and motivation level fluctuated until I finally found the answer: self-love.
I beefed up my self-care, surrounded myself with the most loving people for support, and began to experience the beautiful things life has to offer on the other side of sorrow. In order to help myself with the continued momentum of personal reflection and growth I have decided to reframe my New Year’s resolutions as sankalpas. A resolution is a firm decision to do or not do something; it implies future tense and can lead to disappointment when the goal is not achieved in the allotted amount of time. On the flip side, a sankapla is an intention formed by the heart and mind; it implies present tense and is meant to refine the will and harmonize mind, body, and soul. The difference lies in the language used: instead of using the statement “I will” change your mindset to “I am” – placing the achieved goal out in the universe instead of the desired ending. By envisioning ourselves at the accomplished state we manifest this state as our truth.
This simple cognitive shift has helped me move forward immensely. Do I still feel lonely from time to time? Yes. Do my eyes fill up with tears at the thought of a happy memory with my love? Of course. But I can genuinely say these times are getting fewer, less frequent, and have a shorter duration. This is progress towards my ultimate goal of full self-love and acceptance … and each tiny step feels damn good!
In conclusion I’ll leave you with a quote from one of my favorite human connection specialist … he has a far more poetic way of presenting feelings than I ever will:
“We must fill our own cup so that we can pour that love into other people. We must demonstrate the love we want to give other, by modeling and giving it to ourselves first. Choose you. Love you. Learn you. And then show up as that version of you. From this space love flows freely, because you become it.” – Mark Groves
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