“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Love is more than just a feeling - when you find something you love it awakens your senses and invites you to enliven on a deeper level; for some this opportunity feels joyous and for others it can be terrifying. Love creates space to learn, grow, and expand. Love is not merely limited to romantic situations, it can be found in the longest connections or even the briefest encounters … it can be found in a random kind gesture, or a momentary passing glance. The significance of connection is not contingent upon duration or depth.
So often humans are looking for the wholeness in which they believe love can provide; instead of looking at love as the completion of a life, it is more realistic to view it as something that makes an already amazing life more magical, inspiring, and real. Loving openly and truly takes strength; it moves us away from safety and towards uncertainty while simultaneously creating an opportunity to be brave.
The idea that “true love never ends” is the opposite of progressive; it creates the illusion that “love” is a constant instead of a variable. Of course this is not to say that ALL love ends, however love takes continual work, self-reflection, and communication - especially as two people evolve separately. The more that love is sought after for the purpose of validation, the more disappointing it can be if/when it does not work out and this encourages the idea that drifting apart somehow equals failure and generates a feeling of shame. The problem with self-worth being contingent upon successful relationships is that it often leads to unnecessary self-deprecation and heartache.
When the relationship with self is fragmented the chase for confirmation of unworthiness becomes more evident; it is almost as if the subconscious is looking for reasons to validate negative thoughts of unworthiness – it sparks questions like “this person is so amazing why can’t I change to be what they need?” or “I am showing this person love why can’t they meet me here and show me the same?” The unfortunate answer to these questions given by the subconscious mind is: “I must not be worthy of this connection, validation, or love.”
In reaction to this rejection walls are built, hearts are closed off, and negativity about closeness ensues in order to protect against future “love bombs.” While it is natural to evoke a sense of “closed-off-ness” after being burned by love try to understand that such betrayal is necessary for inside work to begin and changes to be made. Clear personal boundaries can create a circle of understanding and trust; however emotional walls will, almost always, keep out new experiences, opportunities for self-discovery, and connection to the ever-changing outside world.
I encourage you to explore the ways in which you run from love, sabotage closeness, or avoid intimacy altogether. Inner work takes strength and often moves us away from safety and towards the unknown. As you self-reflect on this topic remember: love ends, and begins again.
List of things I currently love (in no particular order):
Feeling the sun
Looking at the moon
Snuggling with my dog
Catching up with a good friend
Being in the presence of my family
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